I have recently been certified to be a workshop leader for Crucial Conversations. A Crucial Conversation is a conversation between two or more people where opinions vary, emotions run strong and stakes are high.

These are conversations such as: Talking to a colleague about a sensitive issue; Giving your boss some feedback about her behavior; Ending a relationship; Talking with a rebellious teenager; Confronting a loved one about an issue; Asking a friend to stop a certain behavior.

Have you been involved in any of these lately?

I have learned a lot about how to handle myself (after all, that’s all I can change) in a crucial conversation. And although I am still slipping and sliding, I feel more confident and pleased with the way I handle these situations by creating a mutual purpose and maintaining mutual respect.

If in a relationship where a crucial conversation needs to take place, make sure your goal is to learn rather than to be right. If this is true, you will be more willing to hear others views and be able to effectively use a tool called STATE.

• Share Your Facts: Facts are verifiable and observable. They cannot be disputed. Gathering facts is crucial prior to holding this conversation.
• Tell Your Story: These are the facts plus the conclusion you have drawn from the facts. In other words, this is the story you make up; what you are beginning to conclude. You make up your stories about the facts. This is the tricky part, because even if your story is true, the other person can become defensive. Be sure to let the other person know that this is your interpretation and then...
• Ask for Others' Paths: Simply ask them what they believe the facts are and encourage them to share their stories, e.g., "Is this what's going on here?" or "What is your interpretation of this?"

The above three skills tell you "what" to do. The following two tell you "how" to do it.

• Talk Tentatively: Be curious instead of accusatory. Tell your story as a story and not a fact and then state "I was wondering why..." or "Perhaps you were unaware..." or "Is that what's going on here?"
• Encourage Testing: Encourage others to share their stories and opposing views. Model an environment of safety and disagreement by showing you are open to it. State "Perhaps I'm wrong here." Or "I know there are at least two sides to this story. Could we hear differing views now?"
  

If you use the above, it can soften your approach to what may be a very crucial conversation. I am not asking you to let go of what you believe, I am only asking you to be open to finding what is true.

Step into leading and play a Bigger Game in your life...don't wait...model leadership...the World needs us to do this. Lead strong!

Lead strong!

Pat

"A Japanese Zen master received a university professor who came to inquire about Zen. It was obvious to the master from the start of the conversation that the professor was not so much interested in learning about Zen as he was in impressing the master with his own opinions and knowledge. The master listened patiently and finally suggested they have some tea.

The master poured his visitor's cup full and then kept on pouring. The professor watched the cup overflowing until he could no longer restrain himself. "The cup is overfull, no more will go in."

"Like this cup", the master said, "you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?"

- Bruce Lee

• Zen Lessons: The Art of Leadership by Thomas Cleary
  
  
• Leading People the Black Belt Way: Conquering the Five Core Problems Facing Leaders Today by Timothy H. Warneka
  
  
• Z.B.A.: Zen of Business Administration - How Zen Practice Can Transform Your Work And Your Life by Marc Lesser
  

• Great leaders from around the globe have provided wisdom passed down through the ages. Witness some of their sage advice in this inspiring movie.

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